All black metal artists confess: “We just want to be happy!”

Associated Press — OSLO — In a statement that is sure to send shock waves through throngs of corpse-painted, winter-woods-loving nerds and D&D worshippers everywhere, the entire black metal community confessed Sunday that, in essense, the entire “black metal” movement was created as “a jokey bit of fun.”

The statement is signed by members of every well-known black metal band in the world — 12 bands, to be exact — and by thousands of other former bridge trolls from bands no one outside the scene knows exists. The statement even contains the name of a Scandinavian black metal icon who was believed murdered in the early 1990s, who said Sunday he faked his own death because “I was tired of the joke and just wanted to get back to my career in animal husbandry.”

The statement says: “We, the members of every ‘black metal’ band that has sold more than 15 copies of our records, must now come clean about the true nature of our music and intentions. In short, the whole “movement” was just supposed to be a jokey bit of fun — like Halloween, but all year long, and instead of scaring grandma, scaring everyone in sight with out ‘evil’ personas. It was never meant to be anything more than a little giggle — and we don’t understand why anyone doesn’t get the joke; we mean, come on, have you heard that screeching cat noise we’ve been putting out as “music”? Did you really take that crap seriously?

“For the record, we had nothing to do with any burnings of churches in Norway of anywhere else,” the statement says. “Really, we don’t know how those happened. Could it have been faulty wiring? It’s possible, we think; after all, those churches were old.

“Finally, we don’t worship Satan or demons or Quetzlcoatl or whoever it is you think we sacrifice black cats to at midnight,” the statement says. “Personally, we all love cats — and babies and daffodils and the sound of the church bells on a clean Sunday morning. We’re not “evil;” we just want to be happy!

“We apologize to anyone who was swept away by our little practical joke. But, again, how could anyone have possibly believed we were serious in the first place?”

The statement has, according to preliminary reports, wrecked havoc with black metal dorks across the globe. Hospitals in the United States, France, Germany and Norway have reported over 300 cases of corpse-paint wearing dweebs attempting to overdose on Red Bull and Nacho Cheese Cheezits. Record burnings were organized via the Internet in Chicago, New York, Oslo and Berlin — but since almost no one has ever actually bought any black metal albums, only a handful of albums and CDs were actually burned.

Terry Van Draught, also known as Lord Satan0domizer of the Dubuque black metal band Putrid Nun, said he was heart broken by the statement.

“Black metal was my life,” Van Draught said Sunday, while waiting his turn to play in a “Pokemon” tournament at a Dubuque comic book shop. “I mean, before I discovered black metal, I was happy and popular and made good grades and had lots of dates. Black metal taught me to give that crap up and tromp around in the winter woods like a gawddamm troll and to abuse my ears nightly with horrible music in the spirit of something “grim” and “trve”  — but now they tell me they were just playing a joke? I’d still be first trombone in marching band if it wasn’t for those bastards! They’re gonna have to pay!”

A civil suit has been discussed by at least one nationally known lawyer, but since black metal musicians never make any money, a lawsuit is just a waste of time, the attorney said.

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Travis T’s (next) essential album: L.A. Guns (self-titled)

Ohhhh yeah! I’m back! It’s me, totally awesome Noise Pollution intern Travis. Woot woot!

They made that other guy go on “furlough” or “unpaid mental illness recovery day” or something, and left me in charge! Good thing, too; all that freaking old guy did was blah-blah-blah about “black metal,” which is nothing but a bunch of whiners in ghosty make-up make-believing they’re all “scary” and “evil.” That band Inquisition he just reviewed? Ugh. They sound like frogs croaking about H-E-L-L and the D-E-V-I-L. Gag, how lame. The D-E-V-I-L is stoopid! Real black metallers love Jesus! Xtian black metallers in the hiz-ouse! Woot!

With the other guy off taking depressants or whatever, I’m here to tell you about the good metal – I mean the metal with a capital “M” as in, “I’m so metal cuz I’m Travis! Hey-hey-hey!”

Now, as all of you how read my column last year know, my fav-o-rite album of all time is Poison’s “Look What The Cat Dragged In” (and “thanks” to all my readers who tried to tell me the hott girls in Poison were really guys. Like, ha-ha, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh! Not! I know hott girls when I see them, and I luuuvs the girls in Poison! Woot!). But I know all about other great metal too, so today I’m gonna school you on the other truly great metal album, L.A. Gun’s 1988 masturpiece, “L.A. Guns!”

This isn't the L.A. Guns picture I remember from the album, but that's okay. You can still tell they're hott!

I totally stole this album from my uncle Lou’s box of old CDs, which I found in his basement. I know stealing’s a sin, but I couldn’t help it. I remember the exact moment I found the disc in the bottom of the box: I opened the cover, saw the picture of the hott girls in the band and nearly yelled, “OMG, that girl’s not wearing a shirt!” It was true; you can see her boobs an  everything! Thank G-O-D everyone else was outside, because I think I screamed right before I passed out.

I have three great luves in my life; the first (always!) is Becky Luundergaard (you’ll be mine one day, Becky; all of those restraining orders can’t keep true luv apart!); the second, of course, are the girls in Poison … but my third great luv is the chicks in L.A. Guns! I mean woot and woot! These girls are almost as hott as Becky.

I don’t really know the story, but I think guitar player Tracii Guns was, like, the girlfriend of one of the guys in Guns And Roses, or something? Axel Rose kinda named the band after her, after she totally broke his heart. I know how you feel, Axel! I get my heart stomped on every day when Becky walks by with Danny Fitz-freaking-Patrick! “Oh Danny, you’re sooo awesome! You play Jay-Vee football and have big ham-hocks for legs!” Blech! Becky, when will you see that it’s mee you love?!?! Mee, mee mee!

Oh yeah. This album is great. “No Mercy” is fast and punk and all about breaking Becky’s … uh, I mean foxey ladey’s, hearts. Phill (Phillis?) Lewis really sings her sweet lips off. Wowza! “Sex Action” is about … S-E-X, which is sooo cool. There’s even the sound of one of the girls in the band having sex in the song! Whoa!

“One More Reason” is about being depressed when girls (like you, Becky) dump all over your heart and throw their tater tots in your face, just cuz you tried to kiss them in the lunch line. Then, Danny Fitz-freaking-Patrick gives you an atomic wedgie for bothering “his girl.” Bah! “Electric Gypsy” is about jumping your bike off the dock down at the bread factory, which is way rad.

“Nothing To Lose” is about how I wanna be a metal god and go on the road with L.A. guns and Poison. I’d totally be the Best Band Tech Ever!

“Bitch Is Back” is about mean ladies, like when Mrs. Sullivan came back from maternity leave. Gawd, I hated her! Worst middle school math teacher Evah! “Cry No More” is a totally classical music song and “One Way Ticket” is about luv. I got a one-way ticket for your luv, Becky! Please stop calling the sheriff on me! Woot!

“Hollywood Tease” is about what I’ll be when I’m Poison’s Band Tech. All the fine ladeys will be running after me. As for the rest of the album, I dunno … I’m usually pretty spent by the end of “Hollywood Tease,” and just need to go to sleep.

This album is just great. The guitar riffs are hott, the drumming’s really like drumming and Phill Lewis is sooo sexy she makes me wanna scream, “Woot!” I luv this album. Go buy two copies!

Travis T., over and out! Woot woot!

Tiffany’s complete history of heavy metal

So, I totally got a book from the library yesterday about the history of metal called “Sound of the Beast: The Complete, Headbanging History of Heavy Metal” by a guy named Ian Christe.

Well, I only had to skim the book jacket to know Mr. Christe is totally wrong about everything concerning metal. So, in the interest of really educating the public, I present the trve history of heavy metal. Pastor Archie, the youth minister at my church, helped with the details as well. In your face, Ian Christe!

1970? – Tony Iommi cuts part of his fingers off, which really makes him mad. He vents his rage with weird riffs, thus inventing heavy metal. Pastor Archie says Jesus wept.

1970-78 – Black Sabbath, with lead vocalist Ozzie Osborn, releases several “heavy metal” albums. Ozzie actually coined the term “heavy metal” in the song, “Born To Be Wild,” when he sings, “I like smoking lighting, heavy metal Hummer!” Others try to take credit. Eventually, Ozzie’s habit of drug-consumption, combined with Satan’s influence, lead to him being kicked out of the band. He’s replaced by Ronny James Dio, who is short and scary.

1979 – The “New Wave of British Heavy Metal” begins, when The Knack releases “My Sharona,” which is like the first use of distortion on guitar. Another influential NWOBHM artist was Devo, who invented the power ballad. Oh yeah, other bands in the movement were Iron Maiden and Judas Priest, but Pastor Archie says they were both spawned by the Devil and will likely burn in Hell.

1982 – Motely Crew released “Shout At The Devil,” the first Christian Metal album of all time. What a great message! When the Devil tries to get you down, just shout at that Devil!

1983 – “Hair Metal” becomes a big deal, as dirty, sex-obsessed bands like Ratt, Poison and Hanoi Rocks get famous by shaking their spandex-covered butts on MTV (which stand for “Malefic Televised Viewing”). Pastor Archie says the entire city of Los Angeles will burn in Hell.

1983 – Metallica releases “Load,” which I’m told is the biggest metal album ever but Pastor Archie says is The Work Of The Devil. Rumor has it band members Larz Ulrik and James Hatfield sold their souls to the Devil and tried to back out later, which led to the death of bassist Cliff Button. Don’t mess with the Devil! It’s more dangerous than you know!

1984-88 – Hair metal bands tour extensively across the world, thanks to exposure from MTV. Shares of condom company stock shoot through the roof. Past Archie says condom makers will burn in Hell.

1990 – The Florida band, Groove Crotch, leaves the vocal recording for their debut album inside their van. The tapes warp in the hot sun, making the vocals sound all growly and distorted. In a desperate attempt to salvage the recording, the band changes its name to “Cannibal Corpse,” rewrites all the song titles to sound evil and sinister and claims that they meant the vocals to sound that bad. Surprisingly, the ploy works, making the band multi-gagillionaires and spawning countless imitators. The sound is called “death metal,” which Pastor Archie says is not very life-affirming.

1991 – Nirvana, a Seattle band, releases “Never Mind,” which is full of angry punk metal and warbling. Nirvana’s video for “Smells Like Teen Frustration” goes straight to the top on MTV. Suddenly, bands like Winger and Warrant can’t get a gig anymore, except at Denny’s playing the back room for wedding receptions. Pastor Archie says Winger and Warrant got what they deserved because they sold their souls to the Devil.

1994-1999 – Rappers and metallers create “New Metal,” which is pretty awesome, except that it’s not Christian. All of the singers are mad at their fathers – but if they’d just reach out to the Heavenly Father, He would make everything all right. Lincoln Park and Limp Biscuit are the best New Metal bands. 

1989-1994 – Crazy Norwegians sell their souls to the Devil and He rewards them by creating “Black Metal.” The power of the Devil, however, drives the Norwegians crazy – making them think they’re trolls and characters from Satanic novels like “The Lord of the Rings.” They kill each other off and the Heavenly Father sends them all to Hell.

2000 – “New Metal” gives way to “old metal” which is really just “death metal” or rehashed “NWOBHM.” It’s sad, really; why would anyone listen to Mega Death when they could bask in the joy-filled music of Nickel Back? I don’t get it …

2010 – Heavy Metal gets a new lease on life from Miley Cyrus, who publically wears shirts from bands like The Iron Maiden. Cyrus’ fashion statement, combined with her wholesome demeanor, makes heavy metal safe for the public at last. Pastor Archie says Miley surely won’t burn in Hell, so most people won’t either if they listen to metal … as long as they continue to repent and tithe every Sunday.

 The End.

Tiffany and Amber dish on who’s the Most Metal of them all

Tiffany: The world’s soo fully of poseurs who think they’re all “metal.”

Amber: Totally.

T: I’m mean, I was at the Hot Topic Saturday? And this guy in front of me in line is buying a Dark Funeral T-shirt and I was like, “oh please, get out. You have the stupidest haircut I’ve ever seen and your shoes couldn’t have cost more than $13. You Are So Not Metal.”

A: What’s worse are all these “bands” that act all metal or whatever when they obviously suck! Like, my brother’s always listening to that band from Switzerland, Opest? And all of their songs are soooo long! Like, more than four minutes! I’m like, “get to the emo chorus, already!” God! There are just So Many Poseurs!

T: But we know who’s true metal.

A: That’s right, yo. So now let’s show the world. Check this out, peeps:

T: Wow, Miley’s soo trve metal! She’s so metal, she doesn’t even care that her hat looks stupid.

A: She’s so metal, she even rocks to Iron Maiden, whose members are old enough to be her dad’s dad or something.

T: Too cool for school!

A: You said it, beotch!

T: Miley’s trve kvlt metal, for sure. She even did a song with that guy who sings in Poison. I only heard about 30 seconds of the song, but it was something about him wanting to give her a backstage pass and blossom her into a woman or whatev.

A: Ewww, gross. He’s like really old.

T: Over 30, to be sure. I’d say, “step back grampa! Keep that Viagra prescription to yourself, you dirty old man!”

But if you wanna see serious metal, check this out:

A: OMG! That’s the most metal I’ve ever seen.

T: For real. I don’t know who this old broad is, but I think she dated that little alien who made Steven Spielberg famous back in the 80s. E.T. or E.R. or something.

A: Oh, you can practically smell her from here. That’s trve metal.

T: But wait, yo. We’ve saved the best for last. Check out the metal cred on this one:

A: OMG! OMG! OMG!

T: OMG! OMG! OMG!

A: The beard stubble! The uncombed hair! The dazed look! It all screams “METAL!”

T: So true. Now all you poseurs out there know what metal really is.

A: Yeah! It has nothing to do with music.

T: Music?

Travis T’s Essential Album: Poison, “Look What The Cat Dragged In”

YO! What up? Travis T. here – that’s T as in “totally awesome Noise Pollution intern Travis!” Woot! Ain’t no party like a Travis party, cuz a Travis party don’t stop!

I got this job cuz I’m totally down with the metal. And to prove it, I’m gonna hit you up with the Greatest Metal Album of All Time, yo! Poison’s “Look What The Cat Dragged In!”

First off, just look at these hot babes on the cover!

I mean, woot! Man, that babe in the lower right (that’s the drummer, Rikki), is smokkin’, smokkin’! And lookit the hott mama at the top left – oooh, yea, that’s singer, Brett Michaels. I guess this album came out in 1986 or something? I wasn’t even born yet! I’ll bet all of these babes are probably like grandmas now. Yowza! Woot!

And these chicks can rock! I mean, check out the guitar riff on “Cry Tough!” Guitarist CC Deville is awesome, man! She’s totally sweep picking! I can’t sweep pick, and I’ve been playing guitar since I was 14 (I’m 16 now – ready to drive, Ma … although I hope she doesn’t read this, LOL). And those lyrics, WHOA! “You gotta Cry Tough, out on the streets, to make your dreams happen.” Or, “Sometimes a rainbow baby is better than a pot of gold.” I mean, gawd! That’s poetry. And CC must have made her fingers bleed on that guitar solo! Blazing! Woot!

I admit I’m a bit confused by “I Want Action.” From the lyrics, Brett Michaels is obviously singing about meeting girls. “Long legs and short skirts, these girls hit me where it hurts.” Uhhh, are the girls in Poison lesbians, or just playing a joke? Anyway, Rikki and bassist Bobbie Doll (ain’t she, though! Meow!) really rock, and CC SHREDS again. It’s totally awesome.

“I Won’t Forget You” is soooo moving! It’s all about missing a girl (or a man, if they were kidding on “I Want Action”). I can totally relate – I remember in 8th Grade when I was totally crushing on Becky Luundegaard and every time I had to go to P.E. and she went to biology I was sooo heart broken 😦  I won’t forget you, Becky! Even if you didn’t ask me to Santa Switch or Spring Fling or never responded to any of my e-mails or texts or notes I passed and even though you tore up all the pictures of me I pasted all over your locker! I know the only reason you took out that EPO is because your dad, mom and all the teachers at school told you to! Gawd, this song makes me cry!

But the album a rocker, not a weeper! “Talk Dirty To Me” has got this off-the-hook, phat riff and drumming that is exactly on time. Drummer Rikki knows how to beat her drums! This song’s all about the somthin’ somthin’, if you know what I mean. I’ll bet guys were lined up around the block at Poison shows! I wish I had a time machine! And oh gawd, that guitar solo at the end! CC can totally play a major scale!

All the other songs are great, too. “Play Dirty” is about how dangerous these Poison girls can be. They’ll cut ya with a blade, dude! “Want Some Need Some” is about … well, I don’t know, really. Want Some what? Anyway, “Look What The Cat Dragged In” is totally about partying and waking up late for school because you drank four Red Bulls during the all-night World Of Warcraft battle royale the night before. Whoa, been there, done that! I’m down, I can party and Warcraft with the best of them. Woot!

“Let Me Go To The Show” is total punk rock, with Rikki beating the H-E-L-L out of her drums while CC gets rifftastic and Brett sings her lungs out about stealing cars to go to the rock show. Man, I can’t wait until I’m 17, so I can go see great bands like Poison (if they’re not all in walkers and using artificial hips and whatnot).

Anyway, you GOTTA get “Look What The Cat Dragged In”! It’s awesome, so much better than the other crappy bands this site used to promote. Go out and buy two copies today! Woot Woot!