All black metal artists confess: “We just want to be happy!”

Associated Press — OSLO — In a statement that is sure to send shock waves through throngs of corpse-painted, winter-woods-loving nerds and D&D worshippers everywhere, the entire black metal community confessed Sunday that, in essense, the entire “black metal” movement was created as “a jokey bit of fun.”

The statement is signed by members of every well-known black metal band in the world — 12 bands, to be exact — and by thousands of other former bridge trolls from bands no one outside the scene knows exists. The statement even contains the name of a Scandinavian black metal icon who was believed murdered in the early 1990s, who said Sunday he faked his own death because “I was tired of the joke and just wanted to get back to my career in animal husbandry.”

The statement says: “We, the members of every ‘black metal’ band that has sold more than 15 copies of our records, must now come clean about the true nature of our music and intentions. In short, the whole “movement” was just supposed to be a jokey bit of fun — like Halloween, but all year long, and instead of scaring grandma, scaring everyone in sight with out ‘evil’ personas. It was never meant to be anything more than a little giggle — and we don’t understand why anyone doesn’t get the joke; we mean, come on, have you heard that screeching cat noise we’ve been putting out as “music”? Did you really take that crap seriously?

“For the record, we had nothing to do with any burnings of churches in Norway of anywhere else,” the statement says. “Really, we don’t know how those happened. Could it have been faulty wiring? It’s possible, we think; after all, those churches were old.

“Finally, we don’t worship Satan or demons or Quetzlcoatl or whoever it is you think we sacrifice black cats to at midnight,” the statement says. “Personally, we all love cats — and babies and daffodils and the sound of the church bells on a clean Sunday morning. We’re not “evil;” we just want to be happy!

“We apologize to anyone who was swept away by our little practical joke. But, again, how could anyone have possibly believed we were serious in the first place?”

The statement has, according to preliminary reports, wrecked havoc with black metal dorks across the globe. Hospitals in the United States, France, Germany and Norway have reported over 300 cases of corpse-paint wearing dweebs attempting to overdose on Red Bull and Nacho Cheese Cheezits. Record burnings were organized via the Internet in Chicago, New York, Oslo and Berlin — but since almost no one has ever actually bought any black metal albums, only a handful of albums and CDs were actually burned.

Terry Van Draught, also known as Lord Satan0domizer of the Dubuque black metal band Putrid Nun, said he was heart broken by the statement.

“Black metal was my life,” Van Draught said Sunday, while waiting his turn to play in a “Pokemon” tournament at a Dubuque comic book shop. “I mean, before I discovered black metal, I was happy and popular and made good grades and had lots of dates. Black metal taught me to give that crap up and tromp around in the winter woods like a gawddamm troll and to abuse my ears nightly with horrible music in the spirit of something “grim” and “trve”  — but now they tell me they were just playing a joke? I’d still be first trombone in marching band if it wasn’t for those bastards! They’re gonna have to pay!”

A civil suit has been discussed by at least one nationally known lawyer, but since black metal musicians never make any money, a lawsuit is just a waste of time, the attorney said.


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