Bret Michaels wins “Worst Song of the Year” award

Metal news flash: Bret Michaels continues to suck.

I’m not Poison frontman Bret Michaels’ biggest fan — which is a polite way of saying I think almost every Poison song I’ve ever heard is trite, badly performed crap and that Bret is, at best, a poor man’s Jon Bon Jovi (minus Bon Jovi’s ability to, ya know, actually carry a tune).

After subjecting the world to “Unskinny Bop,” “Rock of Love” and his dreadful attempts at country music, I didn’t think Michaels could do any worse, either to music or to culture in general — but then Michaels went and rebooted his “classic” song “Every Rose Has its Thorn” as a farewell to talk show host Regis Philbin and I nearly hemorrhaged blood out of my ears.

Can I be honest with you, my two faithful readers? If there’s a band out there that produced a song as gut-wretchingly awful as Michaels’ “Every Rose” rehash this year, I haven’t heard it — and I hope I don’t, because I can’t imagine anything as musically painful as this latest Bret Michaels fart.

What happened here? Did Michaels hear the Metallica-Lou Reed collaboration/abomination “Lulu” and declare, “hey, I can write a song 10 times worse than that!” Or is he just such a star-humping celebrity wannabe that he figured writing a little ditty for Philbin — that Michaels sang on Philbin’s annoying show, “Live with Regis and Kelly” — was just the ticket for getting his name back in the news for another 10 seconds?

Or maybe Michaels just thought, “cash in,” cuz the dude wants you to actually purchase this sniveling dreck from itunes.

Yes, for only $1.29, you too can own Michaels’ moving tribute to  a guy who … uh … was a talk show host, or whatever. That way, you can put the song on your iPod, play it over and over and get all teary-eyed remembering the times Philbin interviewed Mary Lou Retton or Michael Bolton or whoever the hell Philbin interviewed on his freakin’ boring daily blabbfest.

At the same time, you can also make Michaels richer, which I’m sure he’d love. I can’t blame him for trying: I mean hey, millions of people have purchased copies of his other wretched songs and albums, so why wouldn’t he try to sell you another stinker? “A fool and his money …” and all that, right? Right.

There should be a “worst song” award we can send Bret. Ugh. Here, listen to the damn thing for yourself. I’m gonna go purge my ears with some Bathory now.

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2 Comments

  1. The only thing that deserved the worst award was your reveiw Of Bret Michaels. Your shallowness of what he was doing in fun for someone that has been in the business a good while.
    Where is your fun.
    You dont have any!!
    your comment was the most nonsense I have ever heard.Bret cares and has fun in life. YOU Dont have a clue how to.please only write a review when you learn how to! not a slam of your own egos rules.

    • I gotta call ’em like I see ’em, Charlotte.


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