Moby just doesn’t understand why you don’t like his crappy “metal” band

Oh great, another too-cool toolbag goofing on metal. Hoofreakinray.

Let me get my personal bias right out front; I have no use for Moby’s music. I guess some of it is pretty, in a “may cause drowsiness” sort of way … but it’s just not my cup of tea.

But here’s where Moby and I apparently differ: I don’t think everyone who listens to Moby’s music is stupid or completely devoid of taste. Hey, if people enjoy Moby’s music – or if they just have trouble sleeping and need some ambient noodling to help them nod off – more power to them.

The problem is Moby and his buddies think they’re way cool, and they want to have a little fun at someone else’s expense. Particularly, they want to have a chuckle at metal bands and audiences. Because they think it’s funny – and Moby should know, because he’s a “serious” musician, isn’t he?

Blabbermouth recently reposted a bit of an interview Moby did with the Los Angeles Times about his “metal” band, Diamondsnake. You can read the entire interview here, but here are a couple of quotes that capture Moby’s feelings toward metal:

“The music I make is quite personal and earnest, but there’s just something really nice about writing heavy metal songs. I leave myself out of it completely,” (Moby) says before adding a touch of erudition that’s bound to anger true metalheads everywhere. “I think about what a heavy metal guy would write.”

Moby tells the Times he was a punk in his early days, which, he tells the paper, was so much cooler than being into metal.

“Back in the bygone days, punk and metal didn’t mix at all. Metal people had long hair and were more working class, punk kids were a little more erudite with shaved heads.”

Oooh, “erudite.” Way to bypass the 35 cent words and go straight for the 50 cent ones. I’m impressed with your smarts, Moby. Now, I guess I’ll go back to the garage and change your oil while I blast some Mötley Crüe, you veritable Einstein.

With a name like Diamondsnake, you can imagine what they sound like (you don’t have to imagine, you can just click here). But if you want to avoid some pain, let me tell you that Diamondsnake sounds like nothing so much as W. Axl Rose having a dull butter knife castration and coat hanger/curling iron/drain cleaner abortion while a fifth-rate Trixter tribute band plays in the background. If that appeals to you, really, you don’t like heavy metal.

But I’m sure Diamondsnake is every ironic hipster’s fav-o-rite “metal” band. Can’t you just see the kids now in their skinny girl jeans and Diamondsnake T-shirts, sauntering across the campus of their high school or college – going on and on to their friends about how Diamondsnake is so funny because “it sounds like metal but it’s really a joke”? I suspect every beret-wearing fine arts major at the campus Starbucks thinks Diamondsnake is such a laugh riot. Hee hee, ha ha.

I do have a problem with irony. There are a lot of bands, metal and otherwise, that I absolutely do not like … but I try very hard not to disparage the fans of those bands. Look, I don’t like Mötley Crüe; they were interesting as a gateway band, but their best work was mediocre – and it was released 30 years ago. But that doesn’t make Crüe fans wrong or stupid. I don’t kid myself that my musical tastes are the only right tastes to have.

I have no use for Korn or Disturbed … but I know there are kids who only get through their crappy day because they can listen to those bands. Didn’t we all have a band like that when we were kids? My taste in metal is different from that of Korn fans, but I don’t think the difference automatically makes me better than those kids.

Moby’s different. He thinks he’s much better than you or any other metal fan, and he set out to prove it with his garbage can of a “metal” band. Look at me, the Moobster seems to say, I’m doing what you do, but I’m so much cooler and smarter than you. Don’t you wish you were like me, you pathetic bottom-dwellers?

Of course, Moby relishes his perceived superiority. He tells the Times: “We’ve gotten some attention from the heavy-metal community, and they hate us more than I ever thought was possible.”

It’s depressing that we’re saddled with stereotypes in metal – and that they’re constantly reinforced by boneheads like Moby who (very likely) couldn’t perform with serious metal musicians if he tried. I really don’t think Moby could hang on stage with a band like Opeth, or Exodus or Enslaved; frankly, all the musicians in those bands are far better musicians than Moby. I’d also like to hear a Moby composition that compares in complexity to, say, Metallica’s “One,” or “The Call of Ktulu,” or pretty much anything ever composed by Emperor or Agalloch. Maybe the fact that Moby can’t compete or compare with those guys is what makes him so bitter? Just a thought.

Anyway, I wanna be done talking about this guy, so let me wrap up with a personal appeal: Dear Moby, we’re sorry you don’t like metal and we don’t hold that against you. Now please take your oh-so-funny joke band and shove it. You don’t need it … and neither do we.

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