Tiffany’s complete history of heavy metal

So, I totally got a book from the library yesterday about the history of metal called “Sound of the Beast: The Complete, Headbanging History of Heavy Metal” by a guy named Ian Christe.

Well, I only had to skim the book jacket to know Mr. Christe is totally wrong about everything concerning metal. So, in the interest of really educating the public, I present the trve history of heavy metal. Pastor Archie, the youth minister at my church, helped with the details as well. In your face, Ian Christe!

1970? – Tony Iommi cuts part of his fingers off, which really makes him mad. He vents his rage with weird riffs, thus inventing heavy metal. Pastor Archie says Jesus wept.

1970-78 – Black Sabbath, with lead vocalist Ozzie Osborn, releases several “heavy metal” albums. Ozzie actually coined the term “heavy metal” in the song, “Born To Be Wild,” when he sings, “I like smoking lighting, heavy metal Hummer!” Others try to take credit. Eventually, Ozzie’s habit of drug-consumption, combined with Satan’s influence, lead to him being kicked out of the band. He’s replaced by Ronny James Dio, who is short and scary.

1979 – The “New Wave of British Heavy Metal” begins, when The Knack releases “My Sharona,” which is like the first use of distortion on guitar. Another influential NWOBHM artist was Devo, who invented the power ballad. Oh yeah, other bands in the movement were Iron Maiden and Judas Priest, but Pastor Archie says they were both spawned by the Devil and will likely burn in Hell.

1982 – Motely Crew released “Shout At The Devil,” the first Christian Metal album of all time. What a great message! When the Devil tries to get you down, just shout at that Devil!

1983 – “Hair Metal” becomes a big deal, as dirty, sex-obsessed bands like Ratt, Poison and Hanoi Rocks get famous by shaking their spandex-covered butts on MTV (which stand for “Malefic Televised Viewing”). Pastor Archie says the entire city of Los Angeles will burn in Hell.

1983 – Metallica releases “Load,” which I’m told is the biggest metal album ever but Pastor Archie says is The Work Of The Devil. Rumor has it band members Larz Ulrik and James Hatfield sold their souls to the Devil and tried to back out later, which led to the death of bassist Cliff Button. Don’t mess with the Devil! It’s more dangerous than you know!

1984-88 – Hair metal bands tour extensively across the world, thanks to exposure from MTV. Shares of condom company stock shoot through the roof. Past Archie says condom makers will burn in Hell.

1990 – The Florida band, Groove Crotch, leaves the vocal recording for their debut album inside their van. The tapes warp in the hot sun, making the vocals sound all growly and distorted. In a desperate attempt to salvage the recording, the band changes its name to “Cannibal Corpse,” rewrites all the song titles to sound evil and sinister and claims that they meant the vocals to sound that bad. Surprisingly, the ploy works, making the band multi-gagillionaires and spawning countless imitators. The sound is called “death metal,” which Pastor Archie says is not very life-affirming.

1991 – Nirvana, a Seattle band, releases “Never Mind,” which is full of angry punk metal and warbling. Nirvana’s video for “Smells Like Teen Frustration” goes straight to the top on MTV. Suddenly, bands like Winger and Warrant can’t get a gig anymore, except at Denny’s playing the back room for wedding receptions. Pastor Archie says Winger and Warrant got what they deserved because they sold their souls to the Devil.

1994-1999 – Rappers and metallers create “New Metal,” which is pretty awesome, except that it’s not Christian. All of the singers are mad at their fathers – but if they’d just reach out to the Heavenly Father, He would make everything all right. Lincoln Park and Limp Biscuit are the best New Metal bands. 

1989-1994 – Crazy Norwegians sell their souls to the Devil and He rewards them by creating “Black Metal.” The power of the Devil, however, drives the Norwegians crazy – making them think they’re trolls and characters from Satanic novels like “The Lord of the Rings.” They kill each other off and the Heavenly Father sends them all to Hell.

2000 – “New Metal” gives way to “old metal” which is really just “death metal” or rehashed “NWOBHM.” It’s sad, really; why would anyone listen to Mega Death when they could bask in the joy-filled music of Nickel Back? I don’t get it …

2010 – Heavy Metal gets a new lease on life from Miley Cyrus, who publically wears shirts from bands like The Iron Maiden. Cyrus’ fashion statement, combined with her wholesome demeanor, makes heavy metal safe for the public at last. Pastor Archie says Miley surely won’t burn in Hell, so most people won’t either if they listen to metal … as long as they continue to repent and tithe every Sunday.

 The End.

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