Ohhhh yeah! I’m back! It’s me, totally awesome Noise Pollution intern Travis. Woot woot!
They made that other guy go on “furlough” or “unpaid mental illness recovery day” or something, and left me in charge! Good thing, too; all that freaking old guy did was blah-blah-blah about “black metal,” which is nothing but a bunch of whiners in ghosty make-up make-believing they’re all “scary” and “evil.” That band Inquisition he just reviewed? Ugh. They sound like frogs croaking about H-E-L-L and the D-E-V-I-L. Gag, how lame. The D-E-V-I-L is stoopid! Real black metallers love Jesus! Xtian black metallers in the hiz-ouse! Woot!
With the other guy off taking depressants or whatever, I’m here to tell you about the good metal – I mean the metal with a capital “M” as in, “I’m so metal cuz I’m Travis! Hey-hey-hey!”
Now, as all of you how read my column last year know, my fav-o-rite album of all time is Poison’s “Look What The Cat Dragged In” (and “thanks” to all my readers who tried to tell me the hott girls in Poison were really guys. Like, ha-ha, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh! Not! I know hott girls when I see them, and I luuuvs the girls in Poison! Woot!). But I know all about other great metal too, so today I’m gonna school you on the other truly great metal album, L.A. Gun’s 1988 masturpiece, “L.A. Guns!”
This isn't the L.A. Guns picture I remember from the album, but that's okay. You can still tell they're hott!
I totally stole this album from my uncle Lou’s box of old CDs, which I found in his basement. I know stealing’s a sin, but I couldn’t help it. I remember the exact moment I found the disc in the bottom of the box: I opened the cover, saw the picture of the hott girls in the band and nearly yelled, “OMG, that girl’s not wearing a shirt!” It was true; you can see her boobs an everything! Thank G-O-D everyone else was outside, because I think I screamed right before I passed out.
I have three great luves in my life; the first (always!) is Becky Luundergaard (you’ll be mine one day, Becky; all of those restraining orders can’t keep true luv apart!); the second, of course, are the girls in Poison … but my third great luv is the chicks in L.A. Guns! I mean woot and woot! These girls are almost as hott as Becky.
I don’t really know the story, but I think guitar player Tracii Guns was, like, the girlfriend of one of the guys in Guns And Roses, or something? Axel Rose kinda named the band after her, after she totally broke his heart. I know how you feel, Axel! I get my heart stomped on every day when Becky walks by with Danny Fitz-freaking-Patrick! “Oh Danny, you’re sooo awesome! You play Jay-Vee football and have big ham-hocks for legs!” Blech! Becky, when will you see that it’s mee you love?!?! Mee, mee mee!
Oh yeah. This album is great. “No Mercy” is fast and punk and all about breaking Becky’s … uh, I mean foxey ladey’s, hearts. Phill (Phillis?) Lewis really sings her sweet lips off. Wowza! “Sex Action” is about … S-E-X, which is sooo cool. There’s even the sound of one of the girls in the band having sex in the song! Whoa!
“One More Reason” is about being depressed when girls (like you, Becky) dump all over your heart and throw their tater tots in your face, just cuz you tried to kiss them in the lunch line. Then, Danny Fitz-freaking-Patrick gives you an atomic wedgie for bothering “his girl.” Bah! ”Electric Gypsy” is about jumping your bike off the dock down at the bread factory, which is way rad.
“Nothing To Lose” is about how I wanna be a metal god and go on the road with L.A. guns and Poison. I’d totally be the Best Band Tech Ever!
“Bitch Is Back” is about mean ladies, like when Mrs. Sullivan came back from maternity leave. Gawd, I hated her! Worst middle school math teacher Evah! “Cry No More” is a totally classical music song and “One Way Ticket” is about luv. I got a one-way ticket for your luv, Becky! Please stop calling the sheriff on me! Woot!
“Hollywood Tease” is about what I’ll be when I’m Poison’s Band Tech. All the fine ladeys will be running after me. As for the rest of the album, I dunno … I’m usually pretty spent by the end of “Hollywood Tease,” and just need to go to sleep.
This album is just great. The guitar riffs are hott, the drumming’s really like drumming and Phill Lewis is sooo sexy she makes me wanna scream, “Woot!” I luv this album. Go buy two copies!
Travis T., over and out! Woot woot!