Tiffany: The world’s soo fully of poseurs who think they’re all “metal.”
T: I’m mean, I was at the Hot Topic Saturday? And this guy in front of me in line is buying a Dark Funeral T-shirt and I was like, “oh please, get out. You have the stupidest haircut I’ve ever seen and your shoes couldn’t have cost more than $13. You Are So Not Metal.”
A: What’s worse are all these “bands” that act all metal or whatever when they obviously suck! Like, my brother’s always listening to that band from Switzerland, Opest? And all of their songs are soooo long! Like, more than four minutes! I’m like, “get to the emo chorus, already!” God! There are just So Many Poseurs!
T: But we know who’s true metal.
A: That’s right, yo. So now let’s show the world. Check this out, peeps:
T: Wow, Miley’s soo trve metal! She’s so metal, she doesn’t even care that her hat looks stupid.
A: She’s so metal, she even rocks to Iron Maiden, whose members are old enough to be her dad’s dad or something.
T: Too cool for school!
A: You said it, beotch!
T: Miley’s trve kvlt metal, for sure. She even did a song with that guy who sings in Poison. I only heard about 30 seconds of the song, but it was something about him wanting to give her a backstage pass and blossom her into a woman or whatev.
A: Ewww, gross. He’s like really old.
T: Over 30, to be sure. I’d say, “step back grampa! Keep that Viagra prescription to yourself, you dirty old man!”
But if you wanna see serious metal, check this out:
T: For real. I don’t know who this old broad is, but I think she dated that little alien who made Steven Spielberg famous back in the 80s. E.T. or E.R. or something.
A: Oh, you can practically smell her from here. That’s trve metal.
T: But wait, yo. We’ve saved the best for last. Check out the metal cred on this one:
T: OMG! OMG! OMG!
A: The beard stubble! The uncombed hair! The dazed look! It all screams “METAL!”
T: So true. Now all you poseurs out there know what metal really is.
A: Yeah! It has nothing to do with music.
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